In my high school senior yearbook, I chose to have this quote represent me in that point in time of my life: “I always wear a smile because anything but a smile would make me have to explain, and they wouldn't understand anyway." The quote is a lyric from a song that tells the story of a man who lives through every day hiding his true emotions, as he believes nobody would understand if he
showed how he really felt inside.
Sure, I smiled, but a lot was going on with me personally. It was easier for me to wear a smile and happy face and be the happy, likable guy instead of being honest with people and letting them know what was going on with me. I had a lot of turmoil and demons. I am continuously battling them, and if you have demons, you should be battling them too. If you don’t, they could potentially ruin your life.
As we age and live, our experiences develop us into the people that we are. Some of our strengths are from the most significant hardships that we’ve overcome. The fact that we’ve lived certain ways and experienced different things makes us unique – strong, amazing, beautiful. But there are other things that I consider demons – they are not the good things that happen to us. These form us in negative ways and are the hardest to get
over.
These bad things that happen to us (aka demons) affect us at a deep level, and even if we understand logically, we can compartmentalize them. We’re smart enough to understand that something happened to us, and that’s why we’re feeling this way. Further, the demons can manifest themselves in other aspects of our lives. So, if we’re not strong or brave enough to deal with them head-on, they
could potentially ruin our lives.
Before I go any further, I want to start at the very beginning. I went to therapy for the 1st time at 3 years old. My mother found this hospital in Philadelphia that offered free counseling to children of separated or divorced parents. Since she was super progressive and we were poor, she took me to his free therapy.
So, there I was – little three-year-old me – sitting there and talking to a therapist. I picture myself as a very mature three-year-old, having conversations about the emotional aspects of my parents not being together and living in the same house. If I’m being honest, I don’t remember much about that. But fast-forward about 10 to 15 years when I stopped talking and shut down – I didn’t want to talk anymore. I didn’t want to talk to my mother. I was angry at this
point.
I had been through a few stepfathers at this point who were emotionally abusive. The second stepfather really took his toll on me, and I lost my ability to stand up for myself. I was too busy trying not to rock the boat and not upset anyone because I just wanted a place to live and my friends. I didn’t want to move schools or homes again – so I just shut up and shut down. I harbored incredible anxiety, anger, and resentment toward my mother for putting me into that
position.
I went off to college, and I was still pissed off – super pissed off. I had a tough time dealing with life from 18 – 22 years old. College was tough for me and very dark. I think I was a little depressed too, and I was experimenting with drugs and blacking out from alcohol. I was self-medicating and trying to numb the hurt. I felt abandoned, which at this point, my mother had left my 2nd
stepfather. I was very sad at that point in my life.
I graduated from college and moved to Atlanta. I met a guy with whom I opened a nutrition store. Also, during this time, the girl I was dating in college moved to Atlanta as well. She was dealing with depression in the last year of college, and she was pretty bad off. She finally visited a doctor and started taking medication. Neither of us knew what was going on with her, but I just tried to make sure she was okay. Ultimately, my needs were never met, and I never made
progress getting healthy or right in my head.
Sadly, my nutrition store partner started taking advantage of me and treating me poorly. I couldn’t stand up for myself. Once again, I was miserable. I was miserable at home, unhappy with my job, and not happy with my mother. I decided that I needed to talk to someone, so I sought out therapy. Bottling everything up inside of
me was not something that I wanted for myself, so I decided years ago to choose happiness over anger and hostility. I decided to overcome some of my demons.
Keep in mind that there are all types of therapists, and they’re not all great. They’re not all right for you. What might work for me might not work for you. I tried different therapists, but this one particularly helped me realize my value and worth. I finally found my voice, and it was one of the best gifts I have ever given myself. I decided that despite all of this shitty stuff that happened in the past and dealing with it
doesn’t mean I can’t still be happy. I deserve to be happy.
I will go out on a limb and say that people who seek therapy are choosing to be happy instead of dragging their baggage through life. Those who choose to be happy are strong, brave, and will succeed in this world. I deserve to be happy; you deserve to be happy; we all deserve to be happy.
Mental health is something that is not talked about enough. I think we often sweep it under the rug because it’s not necessarily a comfortable topic. I believe as men, specifically, we don’t honestly discuss mental health. There’s still a bit of a stigma around showing weakness and asking for help. Men are thought to feel that they should handle their own shit. I am here to tell you that we are not equipped to handle everything on our own (like the baggage we carry
with us), so it’s okay to ask for help. I did, and it's the best gift I gave myself.
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