Confrontation is characterized by an exchange or discussion accompanied by intense emotions. Confrontations can erupt from unresolved conflict or future conflict, and if handled correctly, the confrontation can build a greater understanding (aka trust). Regardless, many of us have a fear (think petrified) of confrontation -- like me.
My stepfather was emotionally abusive. All I wanted as a young guy was to have some semblance of security. So, when my stepfather was emotionally or verbally abusive, I learned to take it. I figured that I would be alright if I didn't rock the boat. I never fought back or spoke my mind, and I bottled it all up.
I was so petrified of having to move, changing schools, and losing my friends in the process. It was easier for me to take it at home instead of having to potentially move. I felt there was a risk if I stood up for myself, said it was not okay, or proceeded to argue.
By the time I went to college, the damage was done. I had lost my ability to stand up for myself. It took years and therapy to finally find my voice, confidence, and ability to say, "No, you're not going to treat me that way."
Later on in life, I opened some nutrition stores with this guy. I worked more than I should because I could never say 'no.' And I never would stand up for myself. I was paralyzed by fear of confrontation. I was actually petrified by confrontation. And it never fails – when somebody tries to take advantage of you, you never see it coming. This is a significant issue when conflict comes at you
out of left field.
Ultimately, it wasn't worth working it out with this guy that I was in business with. It was easier to say, "Deuces, I'm out!" That's the choice I made. I don't know if it was right or wrong, but I felt good about it.
So, where is this fear coming from?
Your upbringing– a past situation can make you fearful of confrontation (aka abusive relationships, bad break-up).
Fear of failure – not wanting to be 'wrong' in front of others.
Fear of not being liked -- not wanting the other person to stop liking you.
Being in a group -- being outnumbered can be frightening in terms of confrontations.
Lack of effective communication skills -- worried that you can't speak good enough or you won't get your point across.
Not thinking before speaking -- listen and process the information before speaking.
I realized that I had a problem standing up for myself. And you can deduce, it stemmed from my upbringing. It really started to bother me, so I decided to see a therapist. This was one of the best decisions I ever made. I realized and accepted that I wasn't comfortable standing up for myself in certain situations and with certain people. I needed to get out of those environments because it
would never get better. The anxiety that I felt even thinking about standing up for myself was way too much for me.
One of the most eye-opening pieces of advice that I ever received was when I heard this: We teach people how to treat us. This idea was groundbreaking to me, and I started analyzing all of my various relationships. I realized that I was absolutely teaching people that it was okay to treat me a certain way because I would never stand up for myself.
Standing up for yourself may cause you to lose friends, careers, or a significant other. The alternative is being eaten alive inside, and that was just something I wasn't willing to deal with. When I left that nutrition business, I started asserting myself and taking care of myself. When I felt I was being treated poorly, I'd say something.
Sure, I would get a crazy amount of butterflies at first, and I would almost pass out. I'd also get so much adrenaline and nervousness. But, it's like anything else: you'll incrementally find it much easier the more you practice. Also, when you stand up for yourself, these toxic people will start to go away because they are more comfortable putting you down than you standing up for
yourself.
Being nice and kind doesn't mean that you have to let people take advantage of you. But on the flip side, standing up for yourself doesn't mean that you have to come across as a jerk. You also don't have to put down people in the process, either.
Standing up for yourself is simply taking pride in being valuable and your own person. You don't need to let anybody run over you or take advantage of you. Don't let people push you around. But you have to be ready and be aware of your situation. Don't get caught off guard.
Standing up for yourself all boils down to developing confidence and knowing that you're an amazing person who deserves to be treated kindly. You are responsible for your happiness and your success. Life is too short to not feel good about who you are or the people you're around. Learn to say 'no.' I developed the ability, and you can too.
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