Triggered and spiraling out of control!

Published: Sat, 02/26/22

Barry is in a meeting with Brenda, and the whole time Brenda has been saying things that make him want to explode. In addition to interrupting him at every turn, she's reminded everyone AGAIN about that one project he worked on that failed. He's so angry and triggered that he's about to spiral out of control.

On one hand, men are being told to show their vulnerabilities and to express their emotions. On the other hand, we have men exploding with other emotions. So, what gives? Managing your emotions is a question of choice, like developing a habit or skill. A great deal of research surrounds emotions, which has resulted in multitudes of recommendations about how to deal with them. Even so, many people can't control their emotions effectively.

Why is there such a struggle with managing emotions? Practicing a skill or creating a habit is a way of doing something better, and humans struggle with change the most. Changing habits is not easy, and change is even more complicated when considering the depth and breadth of emotions. We often want to flow with those emotions rather than calming down and dealing with them.

So, how do you handle a situation when it upsets you? Are you physical – punching walls? Are you verbal – saying things that can hurt others? Do you ever regret how your emotions manifest? The reality is that your inability to handle situations calmly may do more damage than you realize.

Case in point – someone with a bad temper. We all know someone who has a bad temper, and you may feel like you're walking on eggshells around them, trying not to upset them. Don't be that person.

No matter what emotion you are experiencing, learn to identify what situations or circumstances evoke that emotion. In other words, determine what conditions take you up levels of emotion. What situations or circumstances make you super pissed, upset, or lose control? You can avoid those situations; however, avoidance is only 'so good' because you have to go out of your house and into life.

You also need to identify negative feelings as soon as they start because they will build. Typically, emotions don't suddenly erupt. It's a gradual build. Sure, it can escalate quickly, but if you can identify that feeling, you can deal with it and stop the escalation. It's really the escalation that ultimately gets way out of hand or out of control. You can't necessarily control situations that get emotions rolling or how you react to these specific events, but you can control the escalation.

With relaxation techniques such as deep breathing or self-talk, you can control the escalation. These techniques allow you time before reacting. You must think before you speak, which can be quite challenging. The issue is that once you've said something, it's out there, and you can't take it back. Words can hurt more deeply and intensely than physical violence, sometimes. Physical exertion is a fantastic way to reduce stress and clear your mind.

Talking about issues as they arise is also an effective way to control escalation. Often, when something upsets me, I might not address it right then and there. But I found out that if I don't address the issue, I will deep-six it where it will continuously gnaw at me until I burst when I can't take it anymore. Address issues and have the conversation upfront.

If a situation is getting heightened with emotion, you can use humor to defuse the situation. But you need to be careful because sarcasm can be taken personally. But humor itself can be a great way to bring the intensity down a notch. You could also take a timeout, even as a grown-ass man. Take a time out from things bothering you by removing yourself from the person or situation. That breathing room will help you decompress and see things more clearly. You will be able to rationalize better too.

And if you're not able to manage your emotions effectively, you can always seek help. Therapists are available not only for office visits, but you can meet discreetly online in the comfort of your own home. You can also find classes and groups to help give you tools and constructive criticism to help you.

If you choose to take responsibility for your own emotions, you will discover elevated happiness and inner peace rather than needlessly spinning around the issue. Also note that if you take responsibility for your feelings that stemmed from someone else’s behavior, you are not accepting or justifying his/her behavior. Taking responsibility for your emotions means that you recognize & accept your emotions without pointing the finger.

Alpha M. POST of the WEEK

I've been inspired by everyone here who has posted their awesome transformation. Here is mine! I had to do something because I was on a disastrous course. That is the BEST kind of love, self-love to be healthy, feel confident, and help inspire others through the journey.

This was my before back in 2013 to now. The journey has not only changed me physically but has taught me mentally. I've had motivation, apathy, injury and weakness, strength and power through it all. I've gained and lost, but under it all, I'm the same person yet am more experienced in this crazy thing we call life! My goal is to inspire someone here because you guys have inspired me.

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