Personal attackers may also attack depending on what they have to gain—think romantic relationships or a sibling that they think is smaller, weaker, timider, or less aggressive. In a coworker situation, the attacker could feel threatened by the target’s skills, appearance, social positions, class, style, or other perceived commendable traits. The attacker doesn’t want to share the attention and may be
jealous.
Attacks may take many forms, such as ridicule, making the target the butt of jokes, back-handed compliments, passive aggression, manipulating words, and criticism. The attacker may also try to turn people against the target to make them feel alienated & awkward, second-guess their judgment/perceptions/instincts, and feel unwelcomed. Unfortunately, those outside this dynamic fail to
realize what’s transpiring and listen only to one side, forming an opinion based on the attacker’s inaccuracies.
Reciprocally, a personal attack may be greeted with an escalated reaction by the target. A heated discussion, debate, or argument may ensue. If not careful, communications can get heated quickly. But, believe it or not, arguing doesn't mean getting bitter or hateful, as you can get your point across like a gentleman. And
don't ever resort to physical violence. |
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If you're having a conversation with somebody and you disagree, varying degrees of disagreement can develop from casual to super-heated. I see it all the time in my Alpha M Facebook Group where members disagree but can be super cool about it (actually, quite gentlemanly). But, all of a sudden, a member becomes super pissed and
starts attacking other members because they disagree with him. This approach is counter-intuitive. Why? The ensuing debate or argument is to get your point across without tearing the other person (or people in this case) apart, as you can lose complete credibility. Regardless of the debate or argument, maintaining a respectable image and your
relationship with the other person are both much more important. When all else fails, you can always agree to disagree. Ultimately, pick your battles! |
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When NOT to Argue- Don’t argue with the stupid & uninformed
- Don’t argue about religion and politics
- Never argue with emotional people because emotion trumps reason
- Never argue with someone who’s been drinking
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When trying to get your point across, proceed fairly and like a gentleman. Nothing is worse than engaging somebody in discourse, and then he starts pushing hot buttons & pulling punches. This behavior is absolutely not the way to proceed. A gentleman understands that he can get his point across and express his perspective in a calm, composed, and dignified manner. He plays fair and doesn't hit below the belt. |
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Respect what the other person is saying, although you can refute it. Refusing to hear what the other person is saying is entirely ungentlemanly. Hear his point even if you don't necessarily agree. Ask questions and acknowledge valid points.
This brings me to the point that when you refute, make sure you attack a *point* not the *person*. What drives me nuts is when I hear or see people arguing, and then suddenly, somebody attacks the other person. They may be debating the migration pattern of monarch butterflies when the other person calls the other person a profane name. What in the world does this have to do with the topic being debated? Stay on
point, brother! Also, stick to FACTS while avoiding gossip, hearsay, and assumptions.
My next pointer is: do not bring up the past. If you have forgiven the person, please don't bring up the past. Often, the past doesn't have anything to do with what
you're actually arguing about. Regardless, do not bring up the past -- put it to bed because if it's done, let it be done. |
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When engaging in a heated conversation, be sure to listen with an open mind. And when appropriate, admit you were wrong – and then apologize if / when appropriate. So often, we are fixated on being right (or 'winning') that we lose sight of the
ultimate goal of maintaining the relationship and being reasonable. However, don't lose sight of being rational. A key to a healthy relationship is how you communicate and how you argue together — the times when you get along are easy!
So, is there ever a valid reason to get in a physical fight? No! I have never been in a fight. Sure, I have gotten into heated situations but nothing that
escalated into physical violence. I've always talked my way out. It’s a choice, and I am proud that I've never allowed my emotions to run wild to get into a fight. Nothing good comes out of fighting anyway. Use you most powerful body part– your brain!
Personal attacks are not acceptable -- neither are physical attacks for that matter. But, sometimes it's okay to agree to disagree, which is okay
since a meeting of the minds may never happen. Also, there may be no 'winning.' You may not be able to change the person's mind just like he's not going to change your mind. So you'll have to be like, "I see your point, and hopefully, you can see mine. We are going to agree to disagree." This approach is incredibly mature and gentlemanly, but a gentleman knows when it's time to walk
away. |
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Alpha M. POST of the
WEEK |
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This post came from Alpha M. Consulting Facebook group which features all types of engagement- from fitness and style, to grooming and dating. Want to be part of the action? We'd love to have you. Join in the conversationALPHA M. FACEBOOK GROUP |
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