I received an email from one of you guys saying, “I have some friends that really disappoint me. It seems like as much effort as I put in, it's just not reciprocated. It should be a 50-50 effort – so what happens when it's not?”
This question is so important because I see it time and time again where people invest a level of effort with their friends and get upset when it's not reciprocated. Maybe the effort is not reciprocated or the friendship feels imbalanced. This situation is normal, and in my
experience, different friends serve different purposes. The people that I am the closest with require very little effort because we just get along. It’s okay if we don't talk for a week, two weeks, or even a month. We’ll just pick up right where we left off because we have a real connection.
But that being said, I've had totally imbalanced friendships, where I am pursuing (calls, texts, voicemails) and not getting a response. You can't let your feelings get hurt if you feel that the friendship isn't balanced -- that you require more than you're actually getting. Maybe this isn't a friendship that is worth pursuing, and it's time to put the brakes on and back
off.
Signs of Imbalanced Friendships
They are only around when they need a favor
They are always late and unreliable
They talk over you & never listen to you
They are always borrowing stuff from you
They aren't grateful -- and never say 'thank you'
They never make plans -- you're always making them
They seem to care less about the relationship -- for example, you have to repeatedly contact them to get a response
They expect too much from you
They are dishonest with you
They are overly critical of you
You feel better when you are not around them
Are you the only one putting in the effort? Remove yourself from those one-sided friendships!
I am a firm believer that different people come into your life at different times and serve different purposes. I have had great friends that I thought were going to be friends forever, but ultimately it doesn't happen, and the friendship runs its course. The friendship was mutually beneficial for a period of time, but we drifted apart as we grew as people. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Some people will be friends of mine in my life forever – until one of us kicks the bucket. But other people are more like 'part-time' friends. It’s great when I see them, and it’s good to talk to them every once in a while. But it’s okay if we don’t reconnect for a while – I feel as if I won’t miss anything.
Good friends are not easy to come by. They are few and far between. When you connect with a good friend, it’s not complicated, it's harmonious, and you feel as if the feelings are mutual. In high school, I had a lot of acquaintances. I would call them ‘friends’ because we grew up together, but that’s about all we had in common. The bond was simply experience and
proximity.
When I went away to college, it was a totally different experience because I didn’t know anyone. I started to connect and develop friendships with people I actually liked and had things in common. I really developed some good friends in college with which I still keep in touch.
But after college is where I've developed and solidified my closest friends. I don’t have that many friends – I have a lot of people that I am 'friendly' with, but as far as people that I consider my core, I have 5-6 solid friendships. I can honestly say I would do anything for them, and I know they would do the same for me. Those types of friendships should be cherished because they don’t come along often. But when they do, you know it’s essential to acknowledge and
not let anything come in between your friendship.
If you’re putting yourself out there, but it’s not being reciprocated & that fact upsets you, that friendship is probably not going to go the distance. And some good news is that unbalanced friendships are easy to walk away from because the self-absorbed friend won't even notice or care enough to contact you to find out what is the matter.
Friendships are amazing, but who you give your effort and time is ultimately dependent on who you feel is deserving.
Alpha M. POST of the
WEEK
Thirteen months ago I was skinny as hell -- no confidence, got my heart broken. Fast forward today, and I am currently working on my self. I hope to build my legs in the next 2 months ...and also trying to build my account balance.
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